Alright let’s get this part out of the way: awwww poor CEO who gets to run a company instead of doing manual labor complaining about his job. I get it. Years ago when I was the one doing manual labor for 12-15 hours a day I was saying the exact same thing. “SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR TINY PROBLEMS, WHILE I STRUGGLE TO FEED MY FAMILY!!!”
I get why people feel that way. When you look at someone else who seems to have it all made it’s easy to say they should have nothing to complain about. I was running a company. Working in esports. Getting to hang out with celebs. Investors gave me millions of dollars to build a company. ESPN wrote articles about me. Even just writing it down feels surreal and insane, still after all these years.
Yet, despite all of the rational ways I can explain away how I shouldn’t complain and how things could be so much worse and how I’m so much better off than a ton of other people….it didn’t change the way that I felt. It didn’t change my mental state. It didn’t let me sit in peace.
On a daily basis I carried around this tremendous weight on my shoulders. If I made a single wrong decision the implications could be catastrophic. I could instantly put a hundred people out of work and lose all of our investors money. To top it all off, we had three kids at home who were counting on us to keep their lives ok, whether they realized it or not.
What I quickly realized is that I didn’t have many places to turn to when trying to manage this enormous stress. I didn’t want to put any more weight on my co-founders who were also super stressed. The employees were counting on me for their futures, so letting them know that I might not have a fucking clue what I was doing wasn’t something I wanted to shout from the rooftops. No one that I knew in my life had experienced anything like this and I didn’t feel like they would want to empathize with the poor CEO so I avoided talking to my friends and colleagues, as well.
That left me to simply sit with it alone for many years.
There was one small group of people out there who were both my competition and my small bit of salvation at the same time. Though we never spoke directly about it, there were these moments where we’d be gathered together at an event and something as simple as a head nod or a shrug of the shoulders at the right moment in a conversation told the entire story: I know what you’re going through; I’m living it, too.
The group I’m talking about are of course my fellow esports team founders and CEOs. While we competed on the field for trophies and off the field to win business from the same brands, in our minds we were likely waging similar battles. I can’t speak for every other CEO in esports nor in the startup space, but I would wager to guess that many of them were full of similar feelings to the ones that I was experiencing.
It wasn’t the same as having a deep conversation, working through what was brimming inside or having really strong connections with a close confidant who you can pour your heart out to. Yet, it still did its small part to keep me sane. Sometimes the most important thing to realize is that you’re not the only person in the world with this incredibly hard problem; that others are in the same pain, too. That knowledge alone can bring the smallest glimmer of hope that helps you through a really tough time.
There is one story from my time building Splyce that has stuck with me for many years. I was scrolling through Instagram one day (something I rarely do) and came across a photo from one of my employees that made me pause.
It was a photo of a local bar where the staff had gathered. What I quickly realized from the picture was that virtually everyone at the company was there.
Except me.
I did the immediate protective thing, where I rationalized about how I wouldn’t have wanted to go if they asked me anyway (a lie) and that it wasn’t a big deal to me (it was).
I had spent all of these years focused on building community in the industry that I loved - esports - and realized I wasn’t even part of the community at my own company.
Now I want to be crystal clear here: I don’t blame any of those employees and I 100% understand why they wouldn’t want me there. Who wants the boss around when you’re out after work? Part of what people need after a long day is the ability to unwind. They want to be themselves and maybe even complain about the boss. Being totally honest with myself, I know they couldn’t do that with me around. They could get to a certain level of friendliness and honesty with me and I really loved that part of our jobs. But it would never be the same as you can be with a colleague. There’s always a knowledge there, whether it’s conscious or not, that I hold the keys to their career. I’m the guy who decides if they have a job the next day, whether they get a raise and if they’ll be up for a promotion when one opens up.
This comes with being the boss. It’s a necessary part of how a company operates. I just hadn’t fully realized what it was and how it affected me until that day.
There is something I often hear Justin Kan say in his podcast that’s relevant to this story. When going through something difficult or sad or frustrating he asks himself “would I want this to be different?” The answer is always no. I believe the idea behind this is that each experience in your life is yours and yours alone and is shaping you into who you are becoming. Spending time worrying about what could have been or what you should have done doesn’t change the facts of here and now. By accepting your reality and living in it, rather than trying to think about what other reality could have been you begin to accept yourself and your path as it is. You are who you are and it’s time to learn to love and be at peace with that.
As hard as it was to go through that loneliness of being the CEO for all those years, I’m thankful for the experience and for how it’s allowed me to become who I am today. I’m more self aware because of it. I better understand what’s important to me in life. I live a better, fuller life because of it, not in spite of it.
I went through a darkness that’s allowed me to fully appreciate the light.
Oh and by the way, I did build a pretty sick community along the way that I was lucky enough to be part of. Fandom is awesome. #OnTheHunt